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If you recognize that some of this is lifted from Wikipedia, or are actual Valentine's Day facts congratulations, you spend way too much time looking at Wikipedia. However, some of the research was from DNA's own exahustive work on the subject Truth, as always, is stranger than fiction.

Saint Valentine's Day or Valentine's Day is on February 14. It is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other; sending Valentine's cards, candy, or donations to charities, often anonymously. It is very common to present flowers on Valentine's Day. Condoms, other prophylactics, vaginal rejuvenators, dirty lingerie, dildos, and Swedish harnesses are also regularly exchanged by those smitten by Cupid's arrow. The holiday is named after two men, both Christian martyrs named Valentine: Franky and Ricky. The day became associated with romantic love in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. Interestingly, the tradition of Courtney Love on Valentine's Day has little to do with romance, but does involve the middle-aged being high.

The day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines." Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline and the figure of the winged Cupid. The "heart" shape doesn't actually resemble a heart, of course. From the tradition of courtly love, the heart shape, much like other icons of love, are symbolic representations of the female body. The "heart" is a stylized representation of a woman's rear, seen from behind, on all fours, writes Reginald Von Traub, author of "The Symbolic Woman." "The rose," he continues, "seemingly innocent enough, is a symbol of the female sex organ---the cooter, the furburger, tuna taco, or muffin, as it was regularly referred to in the Middle Ages" (p. 87).

Since the 19th century, handwritten notes have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards. The Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas. The association estimates that women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines. Eleven percent are purchased by completely pussy-whipped guys, 4 percent by hermaphrodites, 2 percent by the Chinese, and interestingly, .04 percent by machines.

In the United States, the marketing of Valentine's Day has tagged it as a "Hallmark holiday." A recent trend has been to refer to February 14 as Singles Awareness Day. A less popular trend was to call it Beg For Pussy Day. A current internet trend started at this very moment is to call it Remove My Manhood, Humiliate Me For Your Exultation Day, and also, Laugh At The Lonely Person Day. Either way, everyone agreed that Singles Awareness Day was okay at the Kraft cheese factory, but a little too gay for mainstream America.

History

February fertility festivals

On the ancient Athens calendar, the period between mid-January and mid-February was the month of Gamelion, dedicated to the sacred marriage of Zeus and Hera. Zeus celebrated his sacred marriage to Hera by banging every available nymph, goddess, human, and goat he could get his member in. This in fact is the original definition of "fidele," from which "fidelity" is derived: "to bang every available nymph, goddess, human, and goat, you can get your member in, while promising to love, honor, and obey your wife."

In Ancient Rome, February 15 was Lupercalia. Plutarch wrote:

Lupercalia, of which many write that it was anciently celebrated by shepherds, and has also some connection with the Arcadian Lycaea. At this time many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy.[3][DNA's note: WTF? DNA didn't change a word of this passage---the ancient Romans were pretty fucking loopy]

The word Lupercalia comes from lupus, or wolf, so the holiday may be connected with the legendary wolf that suckled Romulus and Remus. This explains the Roman tradition of giving wolf's milk to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day, and your sweetheart reciprocating by allowing you to suckle at her teats. Lupercalia was a festival local to the city of Rome. The more general Festival of Juno Februa, meaning "Juno the Feeb" or "the Feeb Juno," was celebrated on "Feebruary" 13-14. Pope Gelatinous I (492-496) abolished Lupercalia. Some historians argue that Candlemas (the ritual of shoving lit candles up one's ass, then held on February 14, later moved to February 2) was promoted as its replacement, but this feast was already being celebrated in Jerusalem by AD 381. The pope also declared in 496 that the feast of St. Valentine would be on February 14.

Chaucer's love birds

The earliest known link between Valentine's Day and romance is found in Parlement of Foules (1382) by Geoffrey Chaucer[1]:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day

Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese [chose] his make [mate].

Eache bryd dainced aye funkaye grouve

Und laied pype till thee raizd the roof offe the muthre-foucker

This poem was written to honor the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia[4]. A treaty providing for a marriage was signed on May 2, 1381.[5] (When they were married eight months later, he was 13 or 14. She was 14.)[DNA's note: Again, WTF? And we tend to think that morality has slipped RECENTLY?]

Chaucer's Parliament of Foules (also referred to as the Parliament-Funkadelic of Foules) is generally set in a supposed context of an old tradition, but in fact, there was no such tradition before Chaucer. The speculative explanation of sentimental customs, posing as historical fact, had their origins among eighteenth-century antiquaries, notably Alban Butler, the author of Butler's Lives of Saints, and have been perpetuated even by respectable modern scholars. In other words, they were all a bunch of big fat dirty fucking liars.

On the liturgical calendar, May 2 is the saints' day for Valentine of Genoa, celebrated by the traditional flogging of the salami. This St. Valentine was an early bishop of Genoa who died around AD 307[6][7][8][9]. Readers incorrectly assumed that Chaucer was referring to February 14 as Valentine's Day. However, mid-February is an unlikely time for birds to be mating in England, or laying pipe to a funky groove.[33-1/3].

Using the language of the law courts for the rituals of courtly love, a "High Court of Love" was established in Paris on Valentine's Day in 1400. The court dealt with love contracts, betrayals, and violence against women. Judges were selected by women on the basis of a poetry reading and wang size.[6][9]

The earliest surviving valentine dates from 1415. It is written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife. At the time, the duke was being held in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt [10]. It read: "Get me the fucke out of this fuckinge towre! Love, Chuck. Oh, Happy Valentine's Day, babye."

It is probable that the various legends about St. Valentine were invented during this period. Among these legends:

* On the evening before Valentine was to be martyred for being a Christian, he passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From your Valentine, as a last request, is a blow job out of the question?"

* During a ban on marriages of Roman soldiers by the Emperor Claudius II, St. Valentine secretly helped arrange marriages.[11] Marriage, like prison, is also traditionally a time in which a man will experience his last blow job.

* St. Valentine was able to expertly shoot cherries out of his ass, hence the tradition of chocolate covered cherries.[68] [68---like 69, except you do me and I'll owe you one---ripped off unceremoniously from George Carlin]

* St. Valentine's Day is mentioned by the character Ophelia in Hamlet: "Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day, so stop worrying about why I am fucking your Uncle."

In 1836, relics of St. Valentine of Rome were donated by Pope Gregory XVI to the Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland. In the 1960s, the church was renovated and relics restored to prominence.[12] Yes, that's right, what this means is that the actual corspe remains supposedly of St. Valentine are on public display in the church.

In 1969, as part of a larger effort to pare down the number of saint days of purely legendary origin, the Church removed St. Valentine's Day as an official holiday from its calendar. February 14 is now dedicated only to Saint Cyril and Saint Methodius, both known for their less appealing festivals of nipple tweaking and fart smelling.

Valentine's Day was probably imported into North America in the 19th century by British settlers. In the United States, the first mass-produced valentines of embossed paper lace were produced and sold shortly after 1847 by Esther Howland (1828-1904) of Worcester, Massachusetts. Her father operated a large book and stationery store, and she took her inspiration from an English valentine she had received. Since 2001, the Greeting Card Association has been giving an annual "Esther Howland Award for a Greeting Card Visionary." As a greeting card visionary, it is not surprising that she is responsible for such timeless classics as "With Love, on your special day," (an absolute knock out!) and "Congratulations, Graduate!" (sold over 2 bilion units, and still counting). Still, she had her off days: "To the cunt who stole my man: Ha! Now I have given you both syphilis!" Sadly, Esther died alone not long after this sentiment made it into production.

In the second half of the 20th century, the practice of exchanging cards was extended to all manners of gifts in the United States, usually from a man to a woman. Such gifts typically include roses and chocolates, lies and shame. In the 1980s, the diamond industry began to promote Valentine's Day as an occasion for giving jewelry. Pearl necklaces are always appreciated on Valentine's Day as well.

The day has come to be associated with a generic platonic greeting of "Happy Valentine's Day."

In some North American elementary schools, students are asked to give a Valentine card or small gift to everyone in the class. The greeting cards of these students often mention what they appreciate about each other. Sometimes they say mean things too, like, "You Stink!, Darla," or "I hate your guts, Love, Carl," but what do you expect, they're kids.

Some people see Valentine's Day as an opportunity to give to charities and help others. The Glory Hole Foundation promotes "give an anonymous blowjob" on Valentine's Day. It has been a hit at truck stops and park bathrooms around the country and has renewed interest in the St. Valentine's blowjob legend.

Valentine's Day and its equivalents in other cultures

Thanks to a concentrated marketing effort, Valentine's Day has emerged in Japan and Korea as a day on which women, and less commonly men, give candy, chocolate or flowers to people they like. This has become an obligation for many women. Those who work in offices end up giving chocolates to all their male co-workers, sometimes at significant personal expense. This chocolate is known as giri-choko (ç¾©ç†ãƒãƒ§ã‚³), in Japan, from the words giri ("obligation") and choko, a common short version of chokorÄ“to (ãƒãƒ§ã‚³ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒˆ), meaning "jizz". This contrasts with honmei-choko, which is given to a person someone loves or has a strong relationship with. Friends, especially girls, exchange chocolate that is referred to as tomo-choko (å‹ãƒãƒ§ã‚³); tomo means "friend" in Japanese.

By a further marketing effort, a reciprocal day called White Day has emerged. On March 14, men are expected to return the favour to those who gave them "choco" on Valentine's Day. Many men, however, give "choco" only to their girlfriends. Originally, the return gift was supposed to be a euphamism: "white chocolate" or "marshmallows;" hence "White Day". However, men have interpreted the name differently and actual chocolate has become a common gift. Those nutty Japanese!

In Korea, there is an additional Black Day on April 14, when males who did not receive anything for Valentine's Day gather together to eat Jajangmyun (Chinese-style noodles in black sauce). In South Korea, there is also Pepero Day, celebrated on November 11, during which young couples give each other romantic gifts. In Hong Kong, there is also Black Day, but that is the day in which the local girls find black boucoup marines and eat jackofsumyungguy.

In Brazil, the Dia dos Namorados (lit. "Day of the enamored", or "Boyfriend's/Girlfriend's Day") is celebrated on June 12, when couples exchange gifts such as chocolates, cards and usually a thong hairbasket. This day is chosen probably because it is the day before the Saint Anthony's day, known there as the Brazilian Wax saint, when many single women perform popular rituals in order to find a good husband (or nowadays, a boyfriend).

In Colombia, the DÃa del amor y la amistad (lit. "Love your friend with benefits day") is celebrated on the third Friday and Saturday in September, because of commercial issues. In this country the Amigo secreto ("Secreted friend") tradition is quite popular, which consists of randomly assigning to each participant a recipient who is to be given an anonymous secretion(similar to the Christmas tradition of the "Secret Sanchez").

In Mexico, the DÃa del amor y la amistad is celebrated similar to Colombia but this one falls on February 14.

In Finland, Valentine's Day is called YstÃ¤vÃ¤npÃ¤ivÃ¤ which translates into "Fuck It's Cold Today". As the name says, this day is more about remembering your friends (snowshoes, gloves, etc.)than your loved ones.

In Slovenia, a proverb says that "St Valentine brings the keys of roots," so on February 14, plants and flowers start to grow. Valentine's Day has been celebrated as the day when the first works in the vineyards and on the fields commence. It is also said that birds propose to each other or marry on that day. Also on this day, it is said that voles prepare tax documents, and musk ox use sign language. Slovenia is a pretty fucked up place. Nevertheless, it has only recently been celebrated as the day of love. The day of love is traditionally 12 March, the Saint Gregory's day. Another proverb says "Valentin - prvi spomladin" ("Valentine -- first saint of spring"), only because the person who first wrote the proverb was drunk, and really badly mis-spelled what he was writing.

In Romania, the traditional holiday for lovers is Dragobete, which is celebrated on February 24. It is named after a character from Romanian folklore who was supposed to be the son of Baba Dochia. Part of his name is the word drag ("dear"), which can also be found in the word dragoste ("love"). In recent years, Romania has also started celebrating Valentine's Day, despite already having Dragobete as a traditional holiday. This has drawn backlash from many groups, particularly nationalist organizations like Noua DreaptÇŽ, who condemn Valentine's Day for being superficial, commercialist and imported Western kitsch. Dragobete, on the other hand, makes perfect sense. Fucking Westerners.

In Denmark, Norway & Sweden Valentines Day is known as Valentinsdag. It is not celebrated to a large extent, but some people take time to be romantic with their partner, or send a card to a secret love. Other people just get it on like it was "guilt sex cuz I banged my secretary but thought of you day."

Valentines Day also has regional traditions in the UK. In Norfolk a character called 'Jack' Valentine knocks on the rear door of houses leaving sweets and presents for children. Although leavings treats, many children were scared of this mystical person.

In Asia, people celebrate it with a candle-light dinner.

In Upper Qafar, people fling turds at each other to celebrate it.

In Dersutz, people celebrate it by mass wanking in public places.

References

1. ^ Oruch, Jack B., "St. Valentine, Chaucer, and Spring in February," Hairy Speculum, 56 (1981): 534-65. Oruch's survey of the literature finds no association between Valentine and romance prior to Chaucer. He concludes that Chaucer is likely to be, "the original douchebag in this instance."[1]

2. ^ Oruch 1981:539.

3. ^ Kelly, Henry Ansgar, Chaucer and the Cult of Saint Valentine (Brill Academic Publishers, 1997), ISBN 90-04-07849-5. Kelly gives the saint's day of the Genoese Valentine as May 3 and also claims that Richard's engagement was announced on this day[2]

Hope you chuckled reading along, once or twice. Happy Valentine's Day.

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