my The Blog of Things To Have Come and Gone

One of the Many Functions of the DNA Vibrator: to relate experiences of life on the road, from the band that never really was.

Go To The Latest Blog entry:    8/28/07:   Land of the Obese, and the Home of the Depraved...  
Go To Any Of This Month's Blog Entries:
8/1/07:   All Is Right In The World...   8/7/07:   The Result Of Continuous Exposure To Radiation...   8/8/07:   The Internet Is A Double-Edged Turd...   8/9/07:   In Which I Beat Me At My Own Game...   8/10/07:   An iTunes Surprise...   8/12/07:   Audience-Eye View...   8/14/07:   Hidden Gems...   8/15/07:   The Work Begins...   8/21/07:   If You Can't Stand The Heat...   8/25/07:   You suck. No, You Suck...   8/28/07:   Land of the obese, and the Home of the Depraved...  

Don't want to repeat DNA's mistakes of the past? Take a stroll through the Blog Graveyard, and read about blunder after faux pas made by the DNA Vibrator, thankfully aborted here and buried there each month.

WANNA BUY A RECORD? BARELY USED. GREAT FOR PARTIES.





Just click your heels three times and say, "There's no place like home..."

This page is like the tape deck in DNA's garage: A bunch of poorly produced old crap music is in it.

This is like a MySpace friends link page, except there is NO WAY that you would be friends with any of these people.

This actually IS DNA's MySpace page. See what creepy freaks have made it onto the page now. Or, be one of the creepy freaks on it.

A new, friendlier way to post comments to this blog.
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August is here, and in Carbondale, that means college students are returning. DNA achieved several milestones this summer: Set up a myspace page, connected with several cool local bands, connected with some cool national bands (like TAD) played out live, recorded the show, recorded a new album (rough tracks done on August 1) applied for a Ph.D. program at SIU, and did his real life stuff, too. The fall should be a blast. DNA thinks it can twist the guys' arms enough to play out another show, and DNA is likely to record the long talked about christmas album, and was encouraged to also record an album of tradional coal-mining songs. Both projects appeal to DNA. Stay tuned, we'll see what happens.

This blog page removes what others may consider certain expected blog features, but removing those extraneous bits makes the blog more conducive to reading through from start to end, like a book. It is stripped down to the essentials. The DNA Vibrator may provide links to other sites or information it references ONLY if it suits the purpose of The DNA Vibrator.

Permanent Historical Record: 8/1/07

All Is Right In The World...

Last week, while flipping through the channels, DNA was sure he heard a new DEVO tune as the background music for a Dell computer commercial. Because DEVO has a huge back catalog, DNA wasn't 100% sure that this was a new song---in fact, it sounded like it was from the "Oh No, It's DEVO" era, and the drums were reminiscent of another DEVO song. Also, DEVO has recorded lots of music in other incarnations, like the Wipeouters, for example. So, even though DNA is a huge DEVO fan, it wasn't sure about the newness of the song until it got an update from DEVO through myspace that the song "Watch Us Work It" was indeed a new single. New single connotates an album must be following, but there is no word about that.

If a new album follows, that would be great, but if not, a new single is good enough. Do yourself a favor, go to iTunes and type in DEVO, or "Watch Us Work It," spend ¢.99 and maybe if enough of us do that the spudboys will follow the single up with an album.

All is right in DNA's world when DEVO puts out a new song because, well, it's what DNA needs. It's like the crazy northwoods bigfoot devotee finding irrefutable proof of bigfoot's existence---the proof would validate what he stood for.

Tell DNA about the bands who validate YOU in DNA's Guestbook.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/7/07

The Result Of Continuous Exposure To Radiation...

DNA was able to wrangle the Hand Of God into the studio last week, which resulted in solo work and the final mixes for the songs "Big Black Cadillac" and "I Can't Be Your Robot." You can download both of them, shit, all of them, right here, from this page, for free, then listen to the differences between the demo versions of songs and the final album versions once the album is out and for sale. Or, fuck buying the album. That's what DNA would do. Fuck all them money grubbing artist types---that's all they are after, your cold hard-earned cash. Dirty bastards    :D

The new record is titled, "The Result Of Continuous Exposure To Radiation." The title was inspired by the fact that to produce it, DNA has had to stare into the glow of its computer monitor for countless hours. There are 13 songs on the record. DNA began producing this one before the last one, "The Shape Of Things To Have Come And Gone," was finished. The track listing is as follows:

"Chance And Opportunity."

"Big Black Cadillac."

"Paradox."

"Strange Love."

"Sixteen Tons."

"Get Up Off Your Ass."

"Bad Thing."

"When The Aliens Attacked."

"Suppertime."

"I Can't Be Your Robot."

"Only Wussies Fail In Love."

"I Think It's Time To Go."

"Chestnuts."

Each song has a story. DNA will give you the brief version today. Chance And Opportunity: Inspired by DNA's mom. Big Black Cadillac: Inspired by DNA's dad and DNA's big Cadillac. Paradox: Inspired by the differences between DNA and his wife. Strange Love: Inspired by the true story of how DNA met his wife. Sixteen Tons: Written by Merle Travis, and DNA can guess what inspired Merle, but DNA covered it because it was one of his dad's favorite songs. Get Up Off Your Ass: Inspired by college activists who aren't very active. Bad Thing: Inspired by the feelings of doubt, regret, and acceptance we all go through. When The Aliens Attacked: Inspired by that time the aliens attacked, and also by feeling trapped in a bad relationship. Suppertime: Inspired by what DNA, and by proxy, all men, hungers for. I Can't Be Your Robot: Inspired by a marital aide. Only Wussies Fail In Love: Inspired by knowing that sometimes the right thing is hard to do. I Think It's Time To Go: Inspired by needing an appropriately titled song to end a show with. Chestnuts: Mel Torme wrote one hell of a Christmas song. DNA covered it because it made a promise to include a Christmas song on every DNA Vibrators record it makes.

The artwork is done on the record, but DNA will have to post that another day. The proposed release date for the record is at the end of September, but that will depend on how often DNA and the Hand Of God can get back together, when it gets notification of the mechanical licenses for the cover songs, etc.

Until then, humor DNA: Tag his Guestbook with a subject or story, and DNA will write a song about it.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/8/07

The Internet Is A Double-Edged Turd...

Which means that unlike a double edged sword, which cuts both ways, the internet stinks no matter which way you slice it. We've already covered this rant before, about 11 months ago, twice, so DNA is not going to rehash the argument that the internet has effectively disneyfied communication. By disneyfied, DNA means that the internet appears to be a source of information, but actually leaves you with less substance than you could have gotten from any other source, kind of like Disney, which is good at presenting the illusion of things instead of the things themselves.

So, why is the internet a double-edged turd for DNA today? Well, yesterday, DNA asked for readers to respond via the guestbook to a challenge to throw out topics for songs. Some people responded. The whole reason for throwing out the challenge is for people to engage here, and to come up with shit that is, well, "challenging" to DNA. DNA is sorry it asked. Here are some of the responses:

Toad Licking. (Why?)

Write a song about getting locked in a porta-potty. (No.)

Why don't you write a song about your hairy white ass? (this one was especially weird, because DNA already wrote a song about his hairy white ass 20 years ago).

How about a song about DNA or vibrators, or does that violate some kind of band name "rule?" (Is that a snippy tone DNA senses? how about a big fuck no.)

You could write a song about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (From someone who knows DNA is a big Buffy fan. This such a completely fanboy GAY suggestion that DNA is seriously thinking about it...but no, Buffy already has a great theme song.)

You see DNA's point? C'mon people, give me your best shot! DNA knows there are some twisted bastards who read this page every now and then. Let me hear you.

The other side of the double-edged turd is that by encouraging communication between the world and DNA, unencouraged and unwanted bullshit emails have been flooding DNA's site. The amount of spam that is hitting the website via the guestbook and the email addresses is growing like a tumor on the balls of the internet. DNA is ready to neuter the internet. Crap, crap, crap.

But, if even one of you out there smile a little bit when you hear a DNA song, or nod in agreement when you read a blog post, then it is all worthwhile....DNA is waiting....no smiles.....no nods..........no, wait, there's a nod........wait, that guy was falling asleep. Still, it counts.

Wake up, DNA wants comments from people who are not selling viagra or the Adobe Suite software. Comment here.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/9/07

In Which I Beat Me At My Own Game...

After dismissing your fine ideas for songs to write about, DNA kept hovering around one in particular, can you guess which, and wrote a song about it last night. Yes, it was the comment about writing a song about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 1000 points to the little fella who figured out DNA liked Buffy so much. It means someone read some old blog posts.

Without further ado, here is

LOVE'S CRUELEST TRICK

It really sucks to be Buffy Summer’s boyfriend
Ask Angel if you don’t believe me
Or Riley next time he’s in country…

She alone drove Spike bloody crazy
Made Druscilla seem sweet as a daisy
Sometimes I wish I had a chip in my head…

Damn, Buffy, I love the way you kick
Hard as nails but underneath
I know what makes you tick

She’s tough she treats her heart like it’s a brick
But the hardest heart can break apart
That’s true love’s cruelest trick

It really sucks to be Buffy Summers boyfriend
There’s no drama unfolding between you
That tops an apocalypse or two

You never know when duty calls
Only that you know as soon as night falls
Any moment you had will end

Damn, Buffy, I love the way you kick
Hard as nails but underneath
I know what makes you tick

She’s tough she treats her heart like it’s a brick
But the hardest heart can break apart
That’s true love’s cruelest trick

How do you reconcile
Nearly unlimited power
With emotions
Changing every hour
Guess what? You can’t

Today, this little assignment kept DNA thinking about unusual topics for songs. On the way home from work, DNA heard this line on NPR (National Public Radio): "The closing bell on Wall Street..." and then he paused. The cadence was perfect, and DNA shut the radio off, and started humming. In about 10 minutes, this was born:

CRASH

The closing bell on Wall Street
Never sounded so sweet
As it did this afternoon
I’m getting drunk real soon

Half of what we own
I lost on the telephone
What am I going to say
When I see my wife today

I can just imagine it
Tragic as Plantagenet
With murder in her eyes
Until she realized

If she kills me there is no way
The life insurance will pay
So instead she sits and smiles
Shedding tears like a crocodiles’

It’s got to look like an accident
Like I tripped when I knelt and bent
To gather up my paper
They’re gonna need a scraper

To peel me off of that train
At least that’s what I’m praying
Now I hear those bells again
And see a light that looks like Heaven......

Now DNA has upped the ante. It's already wrote some songs, spur of the moment, on some strange topics. So, now it's time that YOU wrote one and sent it to DNA.

Listen to NPR instead of Mancow in the morning. Then maybe you will post a song here.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/10/07

An iTunes Surprise...

Last night, as DNA was flipping through the internet, this caught his eye and put a smile to his face.




Yeah, unsolicited, refreshing, praise from someone who gets exactly what DNA was going for. Thank you Dare1166 for your words. DNA hopes you enjoyed what you heard, and hopes you make it here to this site once in a while.

If you are Dare 1166, please feel free to post a message here.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/12/07

Audience-Eye View...

Chris W. from the Carbondale Nightlife had the courtesy to burn onto disc some pictures he took of the DNA Vibrators show on 6/23/07. Here is a sampling of the pictures. Thanks, Chris!



Then, Chris also told me that he had an old Nightsoil Coolies 4 track recording that he did probably 18 years ago, that he put the individual tracks onto a DVD and gave to me to mix down. It was like Christmas in August! DNA is looking very much forward to mixing down a NEW Coolies record. It's only another full-time job DNA is assuming. Not to brag, but in the last year, DNA wrote and produced "The Shape Of Things To Have Come And Gone," is putting the finishing touches on the The Akkademiks' new record, "The Akkademiks....ROCK!" and is finishing up the new DNA record, "The Result Of Continuous Exposure To Radiation," and it will be producing a live album from the DNA show this fall. Adding a new Coolies record to that should be no problem. Sleep is overrated.

It's okay if you haven't made as many records this summer as DNA. DNA is on a holy mission. Don't Stop My Addiction.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/14/07

Hidden Gems...

As DNA was saying the other day, Chris had dropped some old 4 track recordings in DNA's lap. Today, DNA got a chance to load some of them on the computer. They really took DNA back, way back to the last time, and one of the last times, that the Nightsoil Coolies played. (There were a couple of different shows that were recorded. One was Springfest, 1991, and one was, DNA believes, the very last time the Coolies played out, in May of 1991. Some of the songs are passable, in overall recorded quality, but DNA was really surprised that there were some songs that we played that DNA had absolutely no recollection of whatsoever. DNA means as if they never happened, and a couple of them are really good. That's scary, because DNA thought he remembered them all. (which means about 120 or so in the Coolies' back catalog)

DNA was so excited when he heard a totally forgotten but really good song written and sung by Fish, who was terrific at both, but didn't sing so many of our tunes. Also, there are a couple of unique versions of songs that we did at the very end of the band's life, most notably "Lonely Sister." Those were special for DNA to hear again. As DNA's real job is heating up right now, it is unlikely that it will get to the recordings again in the next couple of weeks, but when it does, it will post all of the stuff right here.

Again, thank you Chris. What a wonderful surprise.

Hearing our commentary between songs, it is clear why we put a microphone back by Mr. Kamikaze. The weirdest shit came out of his mouth, spontaneously, like drummer's tourette's. DNA is looking forward to mixing down some songs just to preserve that shit. Talk about hidden gems....in the opening seconds of the first recording, the Song Engine yells "Springfest, Carbondale!" and Mr. Kamikaze screeches, "Spring fu..." with the "ck" implied.

Leave your comment in the guestbook if you loved the Nightsoil Coolies.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/15/07

The Work Begins...

Well DNA is not enough of a code monkey to figure out why this is happening, but it is. DNA's guestbook is nice and everything, but it is not set up for long back and forth commentary. It is a guestbook, so it is built for you to sign in and say "Hi!" not respond back to posts. So, DNA just realized that people's posts have been getting cut off in mid- (or longer) post. Sorry about that. DNA has a temporary solution up and running for commentary right now---it's called shut the fuck up. Okay, smile, just kidding, it was to easy not take that one, c'mon!

No. Temporarily, DNA will link you to this website's fancy little email address, which DNA promises, despite getting hit with hundreds of pieces of shitmail, he promises he will read your realmail. Just don't put in your subject line, "1ncreaz th3 seiz of you're Poll and th3 l3ngth of your Vault" or any jerk off shit like that, okay, not even as a joke, or your responses won't get read.

DNA knows that there is a large form template in the "business solutions" sections of my web provider's help pages. DNA will find that or something like it soon. How did DNA figure this out? Well, because between yesterday and now, someone posted a message longer than the guestbook form would allow, and it really wasn't a long message. Here it is, in response to some points in the previous post:  (click the link if you want to re-read the previous post---then mosey on back down here)

From: Swinefeld

Debate? Just called to say I loved you guys...you Coolies. So much better a band than 138 ever was, but then again - we were more or less the 611 house band, so there! I just happened upon my old 611 T-shirt, designed I think by M. Jarowski, not sure. Tha.....(this is where it is cut off. DNA imagines it went like

this: Tha...t dirty son of a bitch still owes me 10 dollars.

Or this: Tha...t shirt always smelled like ass crack. Could never understand why.

Or, this: Tha...mes. Yes the River Thames. As the clock struck 1, London, normally full of the sweat and buzz and alcohol and smell of the human rut, was quiet, like the Lancashire countryside, and bodies floated down the Thames like a flotilla of pink dugongs....oh, wait a minute, that's a dream DNA had the other day.

Aren't you glad DNA solved the guestbook problem?

DNA is not sure what Swinefeld wants to debate, except that maybe it was not such a good idea to give Mr. Kamikaze a microphone in those early days in which Mr. Kamikaze and DNA played together. Mr. Kamikaze was, after all, only a drummer, not a real musician. How do you know that your band is through? The drummer comes to practice and says, "Hey guys, I wrote a song." To Swinefeld's point of debate, DNA would agree in principle, except that the Coolies were such complete morons on stage that Mr. Kamikaze's commentary was welcome relief from DNA's hillbilly fuckwad preaching or the Song Engine's shouts to "party" as if he were a girl gone wild. Fish generally had the good sense to step off and just wait for the next song to start. At least Mr. Kamikaze would shout non-sequitors at the crowd which sounded like they should refer to something, cuz nobody would be so idiotic to say what he just said at random. Trust DNA, you'll hear it when DNA starts to post the recordings. Of course, it may just be that we were drunk, and playing our last show together.

Which brings us to the next point: Besides a little website work, DNA also did some mix down on some of the recordings Chris brought by. As the kids say, some of the shit is off the chain. Particularly the bass playing. DNA is not just jerking his own "chain;" once upon a time, he and Mr. Kamikaze were pretty fucking good at what they did. Tomorrow or the next day, DNA will post a version of the song we did called "The Ocean" which will prove DNA's contention. It sounds like DNA and Mr. Kamikaze had been eating a steady diet of royal jelly, ginseng, ritalin, and Jack Russell terrier hearts, they were such complete and utterly locked in spazzes. And in rock and roll, it don't happen unless the bass and drums are locked in.

One last thing, Swinefeld: Can DNA borrow your shirt again?

Leave your comment via this fancy personal email addressif you likey. Remember, something nice in the subject line like, "DNA, me l0v3 yew l00ng tim3" or DNA won't answer it.

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Updated: 8/15/07, late at night: DNA created a new, hopefully better way to comment on the posts here, or in general, if you want to talk, or just cuddle, DNA understands. It is always here for you. Just go to the NEW guestbook and DNA will listen to you like you're the only person in the world.

Permanent Historical Record: 8/21/07

If You Can't Stand The Heat...

...then get the fuck out of Carbondale. Two weeks of hundred degree plus weather, 98% humidity, is enough to make anyone feel like Edgar Winters without sunblock.

DNA got out of Carbondale, but that post will have to wait for another day. DNA is tired after driving too much and sleeping too little.

Until tomorrow, or the next day,

leave your commentary via the NEW guestbook and DNA will listen to you like you're the only person in the world.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/25/07

You Suck. No, You Suck...

DNA was prompted to write this after reading a flame war between the fans of DEVO and the fans of KORN. Apparently, KORN is glomming on to the concept of devolution, but only recently publicly acknowledged DEVO for pioneering the vocabulary and the tenets of the philosophy. On DEVO’s moderated myspace blog, shit flew back and forth between fans of each band, and every now and then, a voice of reason who liked both bands. It went something like this:

KORNFAN69:      DEVO sux, KORN rulz. DEVEO homos!

DEVO IS MY GOD:      KORN is for children. Go eat your vegetables.

KORNROKS:      KORN is like, real music. DEVO was lame 20 years ago.

REVODEVO:      KORN sucks like the vacuum of space.

KORNMuthafucka:      DEVO sucks. Quit crying, fag music losers.

And so on. This got DNA to thinking a little. What inspires people to so rabidly love or hate a band, and more specifically, what is it about this band or that band that SUCKS? What follows is how DNA framed his answer.



After spending a lot of time on the internet over the last year, DNA has settled into some patterns. For example, DNA spends about an hour total looking at different band websites every day. You hear that? An hour, a day, for a year. That’s a lot of fucking time spent listening to and looking at band websites. Some, well, many, DNA’s included, are painful to endure. Some have been good. Some were great, like “Why aren’t these guys all over the radio?” great, or the opposite, they were so great….which is exactly why they weren’t all over the radio.

Doesn’t it seem that bands that “suck” are the ones that make it? If you are/were in a band, you know what DNA is talking about. How many great bands and players have you seen or played with, who really deserved to be heard, who really had “it,” whatever “it” was, but they never rose above that journeyman status, or they simply faded away? Maybe they played some good music, or even better, had good recordings of their good music, maybe not. DNA can think of hundreds of those cases. Not to be too self-absorbed, but the DNA Vibrators is one of those cases.

Yet, DNA knows and has known for a long time, like most of us do, that very few of those artists themselves actually suck. DNA really means this. Not the Monkeys, not NSYNC, not Tiffany, not Madonna, not Yanni, and, gulp, not even John Tesh actually suck. Aaaaaaccchhh! DNA’s mouth now tastes funny. BAY CITY ROLLERS. Don’t suck. QUARTERFLASH. Ditto. VANILLA ICE. Uhhh, hmmmmmm, DNA hates to say it, but even Vanilla Ice didn’t suck. SOLO VINCE NEILL, SOLO DAVID LEE ROTH, not even they suck. WHITNEY HOUSTON. About the only black woman DNA has ever seen on TV who couldn’t dance---but still, not sucking. (and one of her first big hits---"I Want To Dance With Somebody." Yeah, but nobody wants to dance with you) 2LIVE CREW. Do Not Suck.

You may not agree, but for the sake of argument, let’s ask: Why don’t they suck? Well, what does it mean for a musician to suck? DNA thinks it means that you have the capacity to play, but do not invest any of yourself into the music. So people who don’t have musical talent who try to play, and really can’t do it well, but are digging it, these people do not suck, according to this definition. They may be bad at it, they may not make their money at it, but they do not suck. This line of reasoning goes back a long way: “Make a joyous noise unto the Lord!” That is, believe it, love it, raise up your voice, even if you don’t have talent. It won’t suck.

Those that suck then, are those with the skill, those with the gift, those who have something to express, but do it with no investment, no soul. In another blog, DNA contended that “devil music” is not rock and roll, it is music with no soul, and it took John Tesh and Yanni to task as examples of soulless music. But, in the interim, DNA has come to realize that even these guys really dig what they are doing. They really pour their hearts into it. They don’t have to make another album. They are driven to do it. Whether you like it or not, they are putting their souls into it.

Okay, okay, if they don’t suck, who does? Well, lots of bands do. Sometimes the bands you like the most are also the ones who suck the most. Usually, it happens after that band hits it big, gets some money, and begins to feel the pressure to put out another record that sounds just like the last record. Write more songs like that one big hit, and they are required to do it in a year and a half, even though their first album may have taken 10 years of writing and playing to gestate. Bands get burned out, and the production of music begins to be run by corporate committee rather than run by artistic inspiration. So, DNA thinks that most popular bands have at times sucked, and at other times, have been inspirational. The artists themselves, sometimes they get lost, but even then, DNA thinks that mostly, the artists themselves stay invested. They still care about their work, but sometimes, maybe because they are too close to it, they do not see or hear that it sucks, they only hear the A&R guy talking about how big a hit this song is going to be.

About every band on the radio has had to cross this bridge, which is why collectively, we think stuff on the radio “sucks” even though most of the artists who play have integrity, and really like what they do. Ever notice how on VH1’s “Behind The Music,” even with artists you don’t particularly care for, you begin to have an appreciation for what they do? For DNA, Meat Loaf comes to mind, as well as Motley Crue. DNA can say matter-of-factly that he HATED Motley Crue when he was growing up, but grew to (gulp) appreciate them as musicians.

When you say a band sucks, you really mean that your statement has nothing to do with YOU or YOUR fucked up opinion and issues, and has everything to do with the hacks onstage or in your ear. Saying the band sucks means it’s their fault, not YOURS, that you are not entertained. Well, DNA has got news for you. Few artists really suck. You just may hate what they do. That changes the dynamic entirely. When you hear a band, and you think they suck, they are probably fine. You probably suck.

It’s the same argument that you hear when someone sees a Picasso or a Dali, and says, “Well, why didn’t he just draw it right?” Who sucks? Picasso, or the philistine who doesn’t understand what Picasso was doing? Of course, if an artist doesn’t master the forms which then allows him to challenge those forms, then, yeah, that sucks. Could a monkey paint a painting like a Picasso? Possibly. Would it ever be considered great? NO, because the value in the experimentation with form lies as much as in what is being challenged as in what is being reinforced. You can’t challenge a particular form unless you understand it. Monkey artists don’t understand the form, so even the best monkeys with paint brushes will always only be monkeys with paint brushes. But, there will only be one Picasso.

To deconstruct the idea that “bands don’t suck, you do,” even more, what a person is really saying when they make a comment like, “The ‘Meat Pleasers’ suck,” is that the person lacks the capacity to understand what it is the Meat Pleasers do. Of course, the Meat Pleasers may actually suck. Sometimes a cigar, as they say, is just a cigar. That muddies the waters a little, but fuck it, DNA is committed now.

If only bands you don’t like are on the radio, why is that? What if the bands you like were on the radio? Maybe you only like bands that are NOT on the radio. Perhaps part of a band’s appeal is the personal relationship you have with the band. Sucking, it seems is a matter of opinion. This is likely why Primus would always introduce themselves like this: “We’re Primus, and we suck.”

You think DNA sucks. That's okay. So does DNA. Tell him about it herein the new guestbook.

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Permanent Historical Record: 8/28/07

Land of the Obese, and the Home of the Depraved...

Today, DNA heard a statistic that frankly was disgusting. Thirty-one of the 50 states, that’s over 3/5 for you math whizzes, showed an increase, and some states, a sharp increase, in rates of obesity, and NO STATE, that is exactly less than one, showed a decline in rates of obesity. In other words, we are a nation of fat fucks getting fatter.

How is it that we are the most health crazed, the most body-image obsessed, have access to the best health care, have markets to deliver cheaply the best food in the world, and we also are among the most unhealthy, overweight, depressed, sick, and nutritionally poor people on the planet?

DNA could go into a very long-winded argument about how these things are linked, but it doesn’t have to. It is self-evident. What Americans do best is capitalism, and the hallmark of capitalism is to consume. We have been bred to believe that we deserve more, so we unashamedly take more. There comes a point at which consumption does not result in growth and vitality, but in growth and morbidity. Growth for growth’s sake never ends well.

Why isn’t Newfoundland the world leader in obese people? Why does it have to be the USA? How come the Chinese are so fucking skinny? Well, they’re still hungry, not necessarily in the physical sense, but because of that, their whole culture has been for centuries designed to conserve, socially, physically, emotionally. This is why the Chinese are having such a difficult time balancing their societal ideals with the runaway expansion they are currently experiencing.

Americans in general do not have that problem. American culture is bloated. American capitalism is bloated. Certain ideals, the whole Wall Street ‘take as much as you can while you can’ mentality stinks and has left our people bloated like a carcass in the August sun. Like the fatted calf, we are ripe for the slaughter. It is no wonder we are an obese nation. Our people mirror our culture. All peoples mirror their cultures.

It didn’t always used to be like this. There was a time, in my parent’s time, for example, in which they we felt connected to a greater good. Not religious, necessarily, not governmental, really, but we were united in a common cause. That cause was two world wars, kind of a suck-y way to become unified, but there is nothing like the threat of total annihilation by a totalitarian regime to get you all moving in the same direction. Maybe that explains the current antipathy around the world for all things American?

Unfortunately, the forces which led to this kind of unifying cultural power, also allowed and even encouraged individuals to amass great amounts of wealth and concentrated the control of what became the most vital of all resources, oil, nuclear technology, to name a couple, in the hands of a very few. It is no accident that families or individuals with strong ties to the companies which grew enormously because of the demand of certain resources in those wars have either been in the White House or close to White House since then.

This is no “conspiracy.” Nobody is hiding anything. The Bush family doesn’t hide that they are oilmen in the pockets of Saudis. Cheney doesn’t hide his strong ties to big energy.

Through a long period of cultural disillusionment, starting, really, with the bombs in Japan, the Cold War, détente politics, Korea (still a fucking mess 50 + years later), Viet Nam, a cultural revolution at home, all of these events of course are linked and predicated on one another. Through a long downward slide, as a people, though we are more connected, more entertained, more educated, and more stimulated than ever, we find we have less of a sense of community, less control, less enthusiasm for the institutions which our parents revered, and we have less interest in things that don’t directly affect us. Certain entities benefit from our cultural indifference. Big corporations, big institutions, big government, all benefit from individuals not asserting their rights, or their anger. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like the current war. Are you going to do anything about it? Fuck no. Why? It doesn’t bother you. Not really. (DNA isn't proselytizing. DNA ain't doing anything about, either. Well, not exactly true: DNA did write a song about it.) So gas prices went up. What can you do about it? So nobody seems to care about conserving resources. Why is it that we only think about conservation when it is clear that we are heading for a horrible fall? Conservation don't matter if you still got the money to buy your gas. That's exactly what the Easter Islanders thought as they cut the last tree down. "Don't matter, as long as I get the boat we make out of it," (of course, that is a rough translation from the Polynesian.)

DNA isn’t blaming you or itself. Fuck it, let’s blame Canada.

No, the Canucks have got it right for the most part. How does this relate to obesity, you might be asking yourself about now. DNA, you’re sounding a little like Ted Kasinsky, you might say. No, not at all, DNA would reply. You see, we are obese in America, we eat, because we lack something. We don’t share the purpose we once had as a people. Everyone is jaded, to the point that we expect shit instead of excellence, we expect cancer instead of health, we expect hate instead of love, and because of that, because down deep, we have lost faith in something special to us as a people, we want fulfillment. Our society has replaced inner fulfillment, bought, sold, taken and given from us over the last three generations, with physical fulfillment: eating, fucking, coveting, hurting, dominating, buying, having, and spending. We are piloting a nation of emotionally stunted children, with no parents at the helm. Right now, we are in the midst of the food fight, so at times our obsessions seem almost funny. DNA can’t wait to see what happens when the food runs out. DNA has an idea what it might be like…people shooting each other in the face over a cantaloupe…packs of wolves running through small towns…rape and murder at will and at random…death, torture, suspension of all human rights, subjection by lawless gangs of thugs to injustice and vigilante tactics…average citizens arming themselves and killing children out of fear…just like what we are seeing now…somewhere else……

But, what if we found what it is we needed inside of ourselves? We had it, once. We could get it again. What if we had it August 28th, 2005? What if our leaders had the presence of mind to create a Louisiana Work Authority to call into service every able-bodied man who wanted to earn a good wage to rebuild the Gulf Coast? The cost? Less than what we have spent there already, and the benefit? A nation united---black, white, rich, and poor, large corporations and small businesses working together to rebuild the cities and fix the damage we and Mother Nature have done to the Gulf Coast wetlands. What if we had it September 11th, 2001? We almost did. That unifying moment was squandered by our government. The point is, a good leader, a strong leader, can help us regain that inner purpose which we have lost. If we regain our inner purpose, the substitutes we currently use to pacify our vague feelings of discontentment, will fall away, and no longer be necessary. We will no longer be a nation of health obsessed, sex and youth crazed, fat, depressed, perverted, decrepit fucks.

Then again, nothing is funnier than watching an ageing baby boomer attempt to recapture his youth with liposuction, a sports car, penis implants, a bowflex machine, Viagra, Rogaine, and a trophy wife. That is almost worth losing our cultural compass for.

So, you're fat. So is DNA. We're all part of the problem. And the solution. Come up with your solution here in the new guestbook.

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Last updated on 8/28/07

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