The Blog Graveyard Go back home. It is safe there. There's music on this here page! Go To The Current month of the Blog of Things To Have Come And Gone Go To The Collaborators of The DNA Vibrator Page
Where last month's blog comes to die. It is given a proper burial and marker. Maybe a few words were said worth remembering. A fitting epitaph is presented with each gravesite. Thank you for paying your respects. You must be reeaally bored to be here, but as long as you are, read and maybe chuckle at all of this wasted energy.
Go to the September 2006 blog archive. "611 Pizza was like the bar, Cheers, except with a lot more tattoos, leather, black make-up, puking, pot smoking, and hardcore music."
Go to the October 2006 blog archive. "Because so many of you have come unbidden to look at The DNA Vibrator, The DNA Vibrator has come to realize that some of you may need The DNA Vibrator, the way punk needs bitch."
Go to the November 2006 blog archive. "Tips For The Traveling Band. TIP #8: Don't finance your other band member's equipment with a high interest rate charge card, no matter how fucking much you love each other."
Go to the December 2006 blog archive. "At this exact moment, each of us in Crank, and Scott Munson, all by nature nonviolent, as DNA has said before, were face to face with a cunt whose philosophy of life was in direct conflict with ours. In that moment, being reasonable people, living in our safe worlds, none of us acted. We suffered from the curse of too much college education: we analyzed."
Go to the January 2007 blog archive. "So, no one expected bands to be professional---they are full of musicians, for Christ's sake!"
Go to the February 2007 blog archive. "This is why the world fucking hates America's guts. We use technology that could literally be life saving in other situations, to redescribe the same shit to a guy we are now on the phone with that we just said to them in person 3 minutes ago."
Go to the March 2007 blog archive. "DNA doesn't know if you noticed, BUT THE NEW RECORD IS DONE!!!! Listen to it, and if you likey, buy it safely, securely, RIGHT HERE!!! DNA is telling you, there are few deals better on the internet than this. 200 mpg carburetor plans? Who cares. Life-saving cancer treatment? Whatever. Cool new record? Now, that's like gravy for the potatoes that are your life. Fat. Lumpy. Salty. Necessary."
Go to the April 2007 blog archive. "DNA hopes it's like that when it turns 87, and the veil of night is falling for the last time over the tool's tired eyes. It wants to get up, and laugh until sunrise at the stupidest shit, but instead, it feels the tug of sleep at the corners of its mind. Finally it doesn't care if it moves again. It feels comfortable to simply be here, even if it is only for a moment or two longer, and then, like the needle of a record player at the end of the album, DNA's consciousness quickly spirals to the center, the label, amidst the soothing static of endlessly repeating white noise. What happens next? Will God flip the record over and play the B side? Will God reset the needle and listen to the first side over again? Or, will God wait for the stylus to reset itself, and watch the next record automatically drop, and hope that the next son of a bitch is a little more entertaining? Ahh, the greater mysteries."
Go to the May 2007 blog archive. "We can all agree from the beginning, that The Watch was a super gay name. It violated a couple of the basic rules about naming a band, (including "the" in the name), and we never really identified with the name. Were we the Watch? A timepiece? Security guards? Something worth watching? The answer, my friends, was not blowing in the wind. The answer was NO, to all of those questions."
Go to the June 2007 blog archive. "Never fear, gentle readers, out of adversity is born greatness, at least one percent of the time. A one in one hundred shot of not sucking. Some may consider those long odds, but not DNA. Hell, you have as great a chance of getting pregnant while on the pill. DNA bets that just made some of you shit eggrolls. Now our chances of shaking the pillars of heaven don't sound so bad, do they? And if you personally knew, I mean, really knew, how fucking awesome H.O.G. is on guitar, and how fucking rock and roll Mr. Kamikaze is on drums, then, like DNA, you would have been lip syncing your own songs and playing air guitar over your own bass lines for the last three months solid, too. Suck? Not even close. So mind-blowing that you will want to change religion to whatever DNA believes? Now you're in the ballpark, baby."
Go to the July 2007 blog archive. "Now, Mr. Kamikaze and DNA are having a little fun here, see. We have known each other a long time, some may say too long, and are awfully close friends, some may say, too close, and very regularly, our families visit each other. Not long ago, DNA was happy to have Mr. Kamikaze and his whole squadron of holy Japanese warriors fly down to DNA's neck of the woods. Even though DNA lives in a cultural backwater, DNA gots the internet, satellite TV, porn on demand, and the town DNA lives in has a fine liquor store. So, Mr. Kamikaze brought down his kick ass Mac laptop, and was wondering whether DNA had a wireless connection in his house. To which DNA replied with conviction, "Fuck no. Nobody down here has wireless. I checked into the cost of wireless, and it just wasn't happening." Imagine the harummmphing in DNA's voice like the old dude from the Autolite sparkplug commercial from years ago (and if that allusion is too obscure, fuck it, DNA can't think of a better one---just imagine a pompous old bastard, absolutely sure of himself, and absolutely wrong). Now, open your eyes. That's me, DNA!
So, Mr. Kamikaze came over to inspect the computer set-up in DNA's room, and says something like, "Isn't this a wireless router?" To which DNA says something like, "Well, sure, the router is wireless. Of course the router is wireless. I mean, when I said that nobody the fuck down here has wireless, I meant, like, y'know, satellite hook-ups, and no phone wires or cable coming into the house---but sure, the routers are fucking wireless. Why wouldn't they be?"
At that point, DNA felt like Sarah Silverman, when she said that she wished all the people who were retarded would become resmarted. Sometimes DNA says some utterly stupid bullshit, with such conviction that DNA knows other people want to believe him as much as he believes himself, but, they just can't, the little fuckers."
Go to the August 2007 blog archive. "Hearing our commentary between songs, it is clear why we put a microphone back by Mr. Kamikaze. The weirdest shit came out of his mouth, spontaneously, like drummer's tourette's. DNA is looking forward to mixing down some songs just to preserve that shit. Talk about hidden gems....in the opening seconds of the first recording, the Song Engine yells "Springfest, Carbondale!" and Mr. Kamikaze screeches, "Spring fu..." with the "ck" implied."
Go to the September 2007 blog archive. "Since September of 2006, DNA has posted 127 times. Three of those posts were actually funny. "
Go to the October 2007 blog archive. "Seem innocuous. Be virulent. Hey, that's DNA's new catchphrase."
Go to the November 2007 blog archive. "Out of 819,000 hits for "Tila Tequila Review," DNA found only three actual reviews of songs by Tila Tequila. Some might argue that this alone is overwhelming evidence that, like so many have written, she is less artist than entrepreneur, which is the word they use for "whore" in the nice blogs. In the not so nice blogs, they use "whore" for "whore."
Go to the December 2007 blog archive. "Give me quantity or give me more!"
Go to the January 2008 blog archive. "Ooooh, you like that?" Hillary licked her lips. "Like it when I say change? Yeah. How about this? Cchhaaannnnnngggge. That's it. I love how change makes you feel. I control change, and you want me to control change. You can't wait to change all over me. Oh fuck. Now look what you've done. I'm going to have to change my dress."
Go to the February 2008 blog archive. "Bass players share in a fraternity that is not known among other musicians. It's fraternity in which membership depends on being not quite as bad-ass as the lead guitarist, not quite as charismatic as the lead singer, not quite as pretty as the keyboard player, and not quite as rhythmic as the drummer. In short, bass players tend to require a level of consistent professional failure that does not translate well into political office."
Go to the March 2008 blog archive. "I'm really not sure if anyone will record this. Also not sure how recording would happen.. DNA- don't get the idea that this is going to be a super-organized affair. If memory serves, it's usually a clusterfudge. But really--will this be worth recording? Scratch that. DNA records himself taking a dump if it's got a cool beat."
Go to the April 2008 blog archive. "The only thing that separates you from DNA is experience. Our experiences are different, so what is a strange or unusual day for DNA is not for you, or vice versa. Experience is all subjective, it depends on so many things, yet it is the sum of this imperfect information gathering process we call living which makes us saints or serial killers, or both."
Go to the May 2008 blog archive. "You know why you hear a thousand songs about being angry to every one song about being happy? DNA could leave you to your own designs, but, fuck it, it's a rhetorical question anyway. The reason is because it is a lot harder to write a song about generally feeling content and happy. The reason it is harder is because a happy song generally doesn't have the dramatic tension that a bad relationship song, or a dirty love song, or a hate your guts song, or poor misunderstood teenager song comes loaded with. It is hard not to make a happy song sound like sissies sucking lollypops wrote it, or make it sound like a greeting card set to muzak."
Go to the June 2008 blog archive. "Well, you didn't respond to my email, and then, well, after the 30th time DNA called, you seemed kind of annoyed, so DNA thought..." which trailed off the same way that a condom hangs out of the mouth of a drunken hooker. You know, kind of sadly."
Go to the July 2008 blog archive. "June is over. DNA feels like he is sleeping less and less, and spending more and more time fighting cats hand to hand, crying in his car, and talking to Jesus. Wow. That sounds pretty fucked up, now that DNA sees it in print. Perhaps professional help is required. Too bad the doctor is OUT."
Go to the August 2008 blog archive. "DNA hates, math, particularly aftermath. Usually. In this case, though, describing what happened at the Rock Out For Rosie Benefit before, during and after is not like math at all. On Saturday, we introduced three new members of the DNA Vibrators: Mac Daddy, AMICO, and Carlito. Carlito stole the show. DNA thinks we should vote him out of the band."
Go to the September 2008 blog archive. "So this anniversary, DNA takes stock in his trade: What has DNA done for you lately? Released 4 albums, all of which have sold dozens of copies worldwide. DNA has played out twice, once in the summer of 2007, and once in August of 2008. DNA is continuing to follow the maxim to release more records than it actually plays out. Also, DNA has attempted to follow the maxim to put a Christmas song out on any record it makes."
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